Sent for Groceries, Got Kidnapped Instead
by TheScouticus
Summary: 16-year-old, Kitsuki Osamu, normal girl, left the house because she needed food. Too bad the Akatsuki needed a maid.
1. Kidnapped

Okay, I know, I have too many ongoing fics. But, all these new ideas keep smacking me in the face and I just have to right them down. The inspiration for this came as I was watching the abduction and coming to the Okiya scene from Memoirs of a Geisha. It's a pretty good movie. Not entirely true to life though. And, I mean, when your life focuses on killing people you can't possibly have time to spend on cooking and cleaning. So I assume they have a maid, just a kidnapped civilian to cook and clean.

Title: Sent For Groceries, Got Kidnapped Instead  
Disclaimer: This is 100% fanwork, and I don't get paid for it, so please don't sue me, I'm just a poor high school student with no life.  
Rating: T  
Warnings: Hidan's mouth, mentions of... Zetsu eating people (it's not really cannibalism, because is he really human?), forced servitute, and possible mentions of BDSM-related things

* * *

"Dozen eggs, quart of milk, stick of butter, freakin' dad, dozen eggs, quart of milk, stick of butter..." Kitsuke Osamu, aged 16, was pissed. Not only did she have to walk down to the grocery store, she had to do it at night. Not that she minded the night, but leaving the house at 9:30 just didn't appeal to her. There were only three other people on the street. A stoner, a night owl she had seen on other night trips, and some guy in a black cloak with red clouds.

A bit creeped out by the cloaked figure, she sped up, already halfway to her destination. She pushed a lock of shoulder-length dirty-blonde hair out of her face. _Oh, crap. The night owl turned onto another street, I don't mind him, looks like he'd probably help, but this other guy creeps me out. And that stoner's not gonna be much help._

She made a move to cross the street, being on the other other side being better than nothing, when he sprung.

Before she could blink the figure had her heaved over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and was whispering, "Keep quiet, bitch," in one of those odd whispers where you're kind of yelling and whispering at the same time. Not that she could have. She was too stunned to do anything at all. Let alone scream. Plus, she could feel powerful muscles tense as the man jumped, starting to jump across the rooftops. If she started screaming she knew she would regret it even more than letting him take her.

Sure you can call her a wuss, but she would rather go the route that caused less pain.

Once they had made it past the outskirts of town, he bound the brunette's hands and pushed her into the light of a previously-made small fire, examining the full extent of her average-height, boyish frame. "You're fuckin' skinny girl! But I guess you'll do. Leader's been looking for a new maid." Osamu's vocal chords decided to start working again at that particular moment.

"Why did you take me and what the hell do you plan on doing with me you dickwad?" she glared up at the man, getting a good look at him for the first time. His silver hair was gelled back against his head, and his magenta eyes glinted with amusement at her.

"Well, I'm Hidan, and here's how it's gonna work. Due to some... unfortunate circumstances, the pervious maid for the Akatsuki has passed on. And you, little bitch, are going to be the next. Now, no one's gonna fucking hurt you if you follow orders like a good little bitch, but if you don't, I ain't responsible for whatever happens to you."

"A-akatsuki?" the brunette's eyes went wide. Why didn't I remember the cloak before? In her shock, she fell backward onto the ground, landing hard on her butt. "Owwie..."

"Oh, dear Jashin." Hidan rolled his eyes. Why did he have to choose a clutz?

...

The morning was spent traveling to the hideout, with Osamu carried on the other's back, bound hands draped around his shoulders. Another member greeted them with a near-silent 'hn' and a beckoning finger telling her to follow him.

Despite having kidnapped her, Hidan shot her a look that said 'good luck, you'll need it.'

"Leader-sama will see you now, be respectful, never look him in the face, and speak only when spoken to. Can you do that? You'll be killed if you don't." She nodded, eyes wide, and was pushed into the room. "Kneel." The door shut behind her. She gulped and sat on her knees, on the floor, looking down as ordered.

"I see Hidan successfully completed his mission. Not bad, a bit skinny. How old are you?"

"Sixteen."

"You are to be our new maid. Be aware that if you accept this position you will live, but work, and if you decide to disobey or try to escape you will die. Will you accept this?"

"I choose the option where I live, thanks."

"Witty, aren't you? Deidara will show you around, you are to cook, clean, draw baths, and generally keep the hideout itself running. As for the members, you are to make polite conversation with them if they wish, along with tolerating their flirtations. You, however, will get to say no if they push it and you do not wish for them to go any farther, I'm not a complete monster."

"Flirtations?" She eyed him warily.

"I keep them busy on missions, they rarely get to practice their... skill with women."

Twitch

__

. _I'm stuck in a hideout with a bunch of sexually and romatically frustrated men. Great. Well, I'm happy the ones I've met so far have been good-looking._

* * *

Well, that was my mediocre prolouge. I had to start writing this. It, like, started noming on my brain and I feel much better now that I've gotten it out.


	2. Introductions

My other story (which you guys should check out that one too) won't come out how I want it to, so while I write and rewrite that chapter, here's this chapter to tide you over and keep you guys from, I don't know, eating me?

Title: Sent For Groceries, Got Kidnapped Instead  
Disclaimer: This is 100% fanwork, and I don't get paid for it, so please don't sue me, I'm just a poor high school student with no life.  
Rating: T  
Warnings: Hidan's mouth, mentions of... Zetsu eating people (it's not really cannibalism, because is he really human?), forced servitute, and possible mentions of BDSM-related things

* * *

An effeminate blonde man slid open the doors and walked in, right on cue. "Hey, you must be the newbie, un"

"Yes, show her around and get her some proper working clothes." Leader-sama directed us toward the door and leaned to grab a pen out of the cup of pens on his desk.

The blondie grabs my wrist and drags me out the door, I look down at my clothes. "What's wrong with the way I'm dressed?" He looks over at my denim cut-off minishorts, oversized shirt, borrowed hoodie, and mismatched colorful thigh-high socks, combined with my platform mary-janes.

"What isn't wrong with the way you dress..." I pout, still being dragged along by my wrist. He pulls me into what looks like a storeroom and starts sorting through boxes. I begin sorting through what happened in my mind.

After going through a dozen or so, he finally seems to find an ensemble to his liking. Dragging into a larger hallway, past the main entrance, and into another wing, with shouji walls and tatami mat floors, he stops at the second to last door. "This will be your room, change into the first outfit, quickly, un."

It's a plain-looking lavender kimono with short sleeves, and a few white plum blossoms on the bottom of the sleeves and bodice, combined with a black obi with a few more blossoms at the ends of it. An under-kimono, along with the tie and plain white tabi are underneath it.

I slip it on quickly. It fits quite well, I notice as I tie the obi into a quick, rather messy butterfly knot. "Hurry up, un!" There goes my amazement. I shove my feet into the tabi and stomp as well as I can out the door, considering how hard it is to do that in tabi and split-toe slippers on a tatami floor.

"Come on, I've got to show you around while everyone is still here, so they don't try to attack you." I think he's the prettiest man I've ever seen. He knocks on the door across from mine. "Danna? You there?" A grunt. He opens the door. "This is the new maid, Kitsuke Osamu-chan!" I bow slightly.

A man sits on the floor in the middle of the room, fashioning what looks to be a human arm. Ew. "Akasuna no Sasori." He seems to be a puppet, with a capsule for his heart and blood red hair. Guess that's his name.

"Don't let him get you down. His puppets are what he calls artwork." Deidara snorts and the other retorts. I look around the room. Puppets are all over the place, some works in progress, some complete. _God, it looks like my room back home. Not that I'm a slob. The rest of the house is immaculat_e.

Eventually they finish their lover's spat and he guides me over to the next closest room. He knocks and shortly after the door opens. It's the same black-haired guy as before, who took me to see the Leader. Who was rather scary. I flash a big, forced smile and wave timidly. He sighs. "We've already met. Itachi Uchiha." He nods.

"Kitsuke Osamu, nice to properly meet you." I bow, deeper this time, because he's actually paying attention.

After Itachi shuts the door, Blondie speculates, "You already met Leader-sama and Hidan-sama, because he brought you here. I'm with you, my room is that one by the way," he points to a door two rooms down and across from mine. Next would be Kisame." He walks up to another door, knocking. When it opens, my jaw drops.

I thought Puppet-man was creepy.

First thing I notice: He's tall. Like, six-foot-five. And blue. How did that happen?

"Oh, it's you Deidara. Is this the new maid?" He blinks down at me, with his beady fish-eyes. I wave, I hope I don't sound or look as creeped out as I feel. He probably gets ragged on a lot because of his looks.

"Kitsuke Osamu." I bow.

"Hoshigaki Kisame, welcome." He goes back in and shuts the door. Deidara bursts out laughing.

"You looked like you were about to piss yourself!" I pout and he laughs, "I'm actually kinda surprised, you should've seen the last one! She fainted!" He starts to get a hold of himself, walking toward the next room.

And the freaks keep on coming.

His head is encased in a venus fly trap and he's spilt half-black, half-white evenly down the middle. At this point he's even freakier that fish-guy. I'm so freaked that my heart is beating about a million times a minute and practically exploding out of my unendowed chest. Deidara notices me having a heart attack and quickly says "This is our new maid, Osamu-chan, if you eat her Leader will be very mad." and shuts the door.

You know what? I don't even care anymore. Bring on the next freak. I steel myself for someone ever freakier and more silent. I get the opposite. I guess he heard through the thin shouji wall.

The minute Deidara goes to knock, a man in a orange swirly mask bounds out. "This is Tobi! Tobi is happy to meet you, because Tobi is a good boy!" This is certainly a friendly greeting compared to the lukewarm 'Nice to meet you's of the other members.

"Tobi, this is Osamu-chan. She is going to be our new maid. Leader-sama said not to bug her." Deidara sighs and pushes Tobi back into his room. "He might try to help out. Don't let him. The last time he did that the kitchen nearly burnt down. Finally, Konan's room." he knocked, and a bluenette opens the door, an annoyed expression on her face.

"What is it? Oh." She steels herself when she realizes what's going on, and puts a half-folded paper down onto a table by the door and grabs something. "I'm Konan. Nice to meet you. Here's a list of your duties, and a map of the hideout. Burn it when you're through looking."

I look it over quickly. Seems like pretty standard stuff. When to cook meals, lists of things that I need to clean, lists of things I am not to touch under any circumstances, who likes what when they come from a mission. The order to accept complements and flirtations and flirt back if I want is a little creepy though. Shouldn't be too difficult. The freaks are a bit creepy, but the other members are... some of the hottest people I've ever seen actually.

"At the end of this hall," Deidara points to the end opposite the entrance hall, "is the Kitchen. The door that opens on the left side is where we store cleaning supplies. The one on the right leads to the bathroom and hot springs."

Here comes Hidan. I swear I've expended my limit for insanely attractive people met in one lifetime.

* * *

It stops here. Because I really wanna update. I'm on an update rampage. Not that I'm complaining. It feels good to actually get something accomplished.

Don't hesitate to review if you liked it, hated it, want to give me constructive criticism, or flame me. Outraged flaming makes me giggle.


	3. Awkward Conversation

A person, sorry I forget who exactly, suggested that I pair my character up with one of the members, but, I'm not sure I should. I always get really annoyed with OCs who get involved with canon characters, but one of my readers suggested it.

Title: Sent For Groceries, Got Kidnapped Instead  
Disclaimer: This is 100% fanwork, and I don't get paid for it, so please don't sue me, I'm just a poor high school student with no life.  
Rating: T  
Warnings: Hidan's mouth, mentions of... Zetsu eating people (it's not really cannibalism, because is he really human?), forced servitute, and possible mentions of BDSM-related things

* * *

Here comes Hidan. I swear I've expended my limit for insanely attractive people met in one lifetime.

Now here's the thing, I don't mind cooking. I actually rather enjoy it, not to mention that if didn't my dad would turn every food product in the house into charcoal.

The fact that there's not really much in these cupboards I do mind. There's enough for maybe two meals here. This is unacceptable. I don't care if they're homicidal maniacs. The kitchen needs food. One of them is taking me grocery shopping. But until then I think I can make a stir-fry for dinner, with rice on the side and some miso soup, and then gyuu-tataki-don for breakfast.

Good thing there's lots of rice. And beer. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Ooh, there's a pot-filler above the stove, I won't have to carry the pot full of water across the room in the event I make pasta! The only thing that bothers me is it's an open floor plan, with just a breakfast bar separating me from the rest of the main living area. No hiding in the kitchen for me, I guess.

Which is why I'm making small talk with Itachi and Hidan right now, as I search around to get a feel for where everything is.

I look in the cabinet beneath the sink. Stove cleaner. Oven cleaner. Clorox wipes. A few weapons in the back, in case someone attacks while you're cooking, I guess. I think I've got the feel of it now. Rocking the kitchen, oh yeah.

"What about you, Osamu-chan?" Itachi asks. I forgot he and Hidan were there... Wait a minute. My given name AND chan?

"Huh?" comes the ever-so-intelligent reply out of my mouth. He smirks, this is unacceptable. I crank out a glare that is surely unintimidating to a cold-blooded murderer.

"Well, we were talking about our first times, Hidan's was after his first sacrifice to Jashin-"

"-Jashin-sama!"

"And mine was after my first big battle. What about yours?" I feel my face heat up. Sure I joke about it all the time with my friends, but it's rather distressing to have a murderer who is also a stranger straight-up as me if I was a virgin.

"...I...just... Haven't found someone who I'm willing to share that experience with yet..." It comes out stutter-y and broken, even I can tell that I'm embarrassed. Another goddamn smirk. Does he have a smirking problem or something? I feel his eyes follow me as I go check to see if the water's boiling for the rice. "I'm only sixteen, I have plenty of time for that later when I find someone worth it."

Hidan bursts out laughing, "Ha ha ha! Still a fucking virgin at sixteen!"

"I think it's kind of sweet she's waiting. I'd never go back, but sometimes I wonder what it would've been like if I hadn't gone post-battle-mad." It's not much, but there's a little spark in his eyes, so he seems to have enjoyed doing it with whoever it was.

Everyone seems to have such a great time doing it. Seems like doing it is just like... the pinnacle of experiences. Except to me. And I the only one who, when they think about doing it feel nothing but... sweaty? And not in a good way. This can't be a normal reaction.

It must be yet another abnormality in my genetic make-up like the absence of mammary glands and size five feet.

I am totally lacking in the 'do it' gene.

I think I'll concentrate on the chicken stir-fry for a while. Let my face cool down. That smells delicious. Sniff, sniff.

The Akatsuki organization must have spent a lot on dishes. This stuff is beautiful. Their cooking pots may have been bland, ultra-functional, copper-bottomed stainless steel, but these were beautiful dishes, a set of matching lacquered black with their trademark red clouds. I had chosen a set of deep rice bowls, and traditional miso bowls. I also found some chopsticks (also black lacquered) and a set of chopstick blocks. I had scooped out equal portions into bowls for each member, having been to lazy and unwilling to clean more dishes than necessary.

I had outdone myself. Good thing there was a dishwasher, even if the material is really easy to clean.

Would it be considered appropriate if brought up the lack of food in the kitchen during dinner? Because that kitchen is really, really barren.

* * *

Gyuu-tataki-don is a meal comprised of marinated, lightly seared beef served over rice with some trimmings. It's really good for breakfast as it doesn't overpower with it's taste.

This chapter fueled by Google Chrome's spell checker and the 2.5 pound bag of skittles I received as a Christmas present from a... Friend.

Don't hesitate to review if you liked it, hated it, want to give me constructive criticism, or flame me. Outraged flaming makes me giggle.


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